Chad Chatter

The Beetle and The Basketball

2008-04-20T16:56:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I haven't posted any thoughts yet, but I will.

I was chatting online with someone today when I was inclined to tell a story. Keep in mind I typed this up as it popped in my head (so it is all off the cuff, but also unpolished and probably grammatically incorrect). And now, I feel like sharing it with you.

(friend): brb
LifelessJoe: oh i know you are busy
LifelessJoe: doesn't mean I can't just type away
LifelessJoe: like if I wanted to tell you a story while you were gone
LifelessJoe: like the story of the beetle and the basketball
LifelessJoe: would you like to hear it?
LifelessJoe: ok, sure, I will tell it to you, calm down!
LifelessJoe: once there was this beetle named Bubba
LifelessJoe: and Bubba the beelte loved hot asphalt
LifelessJoe: his favorite place to go explore was Greenwood Park in sunny San Diego
LifelessJoe: every day, when the sun hit the nest just right, waking the beetle community, Bubba would trot on out, happy as can be
LifelessJoe: he would make his way through the blades of grass, saying hi to all the hoppers and crickets and bees and other various friends along the way
LifelessJoe: after hours of trekking, he would finally reach his destination: Greenwood Parks famous basketball court
LifelessJoe: to him, he still had the whole day left. the trek felt like minutes, the time stood still, the smile never leaving his face
LifelessJoe: before he would step on to the asphalt, he would pause
LifelessJoe: breathe in deeply, take in his surrounding
LifelessJoe: think of his friends, his family, pray to the beetle god Mark, and thank the world for such a wonderful life
LifelessJoe: then, fully refreshed, ready to rock (pun), he would put a leg on the court
LifelessJoe: it felt magical
LifelessJoe: warm from the beating of the sun all day
LifelessJoe: would match the cool from the grass and dirt on his leg
LifelessJoe: it was the perfect blend
LifelessJoe: sending a chill through his spine
LifelessJoe: giving him little beetle goosebumps
LifelessJoe: sending a pleasure spike from the nerves of his legs to his tiny brain
LifelessJoe: and he would step on
LifelessJoe: now the warmth surrounds his body, giving him a jolt of adrenaline
LifelessJoe: he was where he wanted to be, he was at his happy place
LifelessJoe: So Bubba, full of energy, full of vigor, would start to explore
LifelessJoe: would he find anything new left behind from the children of the day before?
LifelessJoe: any sneaker marks he didnt recognize, food crumbs, gum
LifelessJoe: he would get especially excited as he traversed the sideline paint, seeing if anyone played extra hard and chipped some paint off
LifelessJoe: it was a rare occasion, but today he found such a spot
LifelessJoe: whenever he sees a spot, he begins to dream
LifelessJoe: he dreams of what it would be like to play basketball himself
LifelessJoe: Bubba is just a beetle, too tiny to play, not shaped for the task at hand
LifelessJoe: he had tried to make many baskets and basketballs out of the grass around him, but it would never work, and the other beetles would laugh at him
LifelessJoe: if only he could play
LifelessJoe: he would be one of those kids who would play hard enough, chip the paint off of the sidelines, play his heart out
LifelessJoe: Bubba dreamed of that every day
LifelessJoe: it was now getting to the heart of afternoon
LifelessJoe: Bubba had traversed the sidelines, exploring every nook and cranny
LifelessJoe: as the sun drew higher, he knew what time it was
LifelessJoe: it was time for the neighborhood boys to come and play
LifelessJoe: oh how Bubba loved this time
LifelessJoe: although he could see all of the action, he could hear the excitement and toughness in the boys' voices as they played
LifelessJoe: he remembers how one day, the ball rolled right passed him
LifelessJoe: almost crushing him in the process
LifelessJoe: but he didn't care, he was so close to the ball he could touch it
LifelessJoe: he has explored many places, but he has never been lucky enough to touch the basketball
LifelessJoe: how would it feel on his skin?
LifelessJoe: how would the little bumps of the basketball, the grips, make him feel
LifelessJoe: he knew it must be magical
LifelessJoe: so, Bubba sat in his spot on the corner of the court, close enough to hear the action, far enough to be safe from danger
LifelessJoe: this day, the boys were playing especially tough
LifelessJoe: he could joyous yelling and screaming from his friends
LifelessJoe: then, suddenly, he hears a loud noise heading his way
LifelessJoe: BUMP BUMP BUMP
LifelessJoe: louder and louder
LifelessJoe: closer and closer
LifelessJoe: could it be....?
LifelessJoe: the ball rolled right by him again!
LifelessJoe: and a rush swept through his body
LifelessJoe: should he try to go touch it?
LifelessJoe: will he make it in time?
LifelessJoe: would the boys not see him and crush him?
LifelessJoe: all of these questions ran through his head as he the excitement in his endoskeleton grew
LifelessJoe: he decided its now or never
LifelessJoe: when opportunity knocks, you must go for your dream
LifelessJoe: quickly he trotted towards the ball, luckily it stopped right near him
LifelessJoe: as he ran, he could hear the slow patter of footsteps head to the ball as well
LifelessJoe: he's rushing, pushing, pumping, trying to make it there in time
LifelessJoe: he's almost there...
LifelessJoe: and yes! he made it on
LifelessJoe: a new sensation overwhelmed him
LifelessJoe: the touch of the leather of the ball, the smoothness of the lines, the mound of the grips
LifelessJoe: it was magical
LifelessJoe: but he didn't have time to celebrate as suddenly he found himself rising
LifelessJoe: oh no! one of the boys had picked up the ball
LifelessJoe: he feels himself move, like a wave, being carried
LifelessJoe: he hears "watch me make this from here"
LifelessJoe: oh no! the boy is going to shoot
LifelessJoe: what is going to happen to bubba? will he fly off? can he stay on?
LifelessJoe: Suddenly, he feels the wind push against him, the boy is trying to shoot the basket
LifelessJoe: Bubba holds on for dear life
LifelessJoe: it is the scariest time of his life
LifelessJoe: but also, its the most exhilirating
LifelessJoe: he is flying, flying through the air
LifelessJoe: he feels the ball coming down, is he going to make it
LifelessJoe: "SWISH" he hears!
LifelessJoe: Bubba has made a basket!
LifelessJoe: Bubba has lived his dream!
LifelessJoe: and before Bubba could celebrate, the ball came down on top of him
LifelessJoe: and crushed him
LifelessJoe: but bubba could not have thought of a better way to go out
LifelessJoe: living his dream
LifelessJoe: loving every minute of it
LifelessJoe: Bubba is now in heaven with Mark, the beetle god, looking down at all of the boys and girls playing
LifelessJoe: Mark has granted him the ability to play basketball in heaven
LifelessJoe: so even in death, Bubba lives his dream
LifelessJoe: Bubba shoots, Bubba scores
LifelessJoe: The End.

Wow

2008-04-18T10:42:00.003-05:00

Wow.

December 5th was really the last time I wrote something on this blog? Thats quite unacceptable. The issue is that I have tried to make my blog, any blog I have done, and most writings of mine into something "epic", or something a lot bigger than they need to be. What I need to do is realize that, at least with my blog, I can do whatever I want. I *should* be using this to express inner thoughts, no matter what they are. If I actually write a "piece" it can go here, but otherwise I can randomly muse here.

So, that is what I think I will try to do. I've been bit by the writing bug again, but I keep trying to write these epic stories, or long poems; basically things that take up more time than I have (and more brain power). I need to sit down, write out thoughts on things here and be done with it.

Let's see if I can keep that up. Let's see if I can not be lazy. Let's see what happens next.

Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday: The Name Edition

2007-12-05T11:22:00.000-06:00

Originally posted at Wasabisoft.

Welcome to the Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday! Each week, I will present at least one top five list on Wednesday for you to mull over, agree with, disagree with, or ignore completely! It is the Tuesday Top Five because alliteration is always fun. But I present it to you on Wednesday because Wednesday should not be shunned just because its the longest word of all of the days.

Top Five Weirdest Names (These are real names of real people)
5. Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel, British political candidate self-renamed after a Monty Python character. Born John Desmond Lewis.
4. Mister Thorne, named because his mother figured (literally) that he'd become a high school geometry teacher when he grew up
3. Kentucky Fried Cruelty.com, PETA activist originally named Chris Garnett
2. Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards, (see right side bar at link) Born Michael Howard but changed his name legally after being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft
1. Wolfe+585, Senior, (just click the link) the man with the longest name ever, including his first and all of his middle names beginning with a different letter of the alphabet.

Honorable Mention: Notwithstanding Griswold, Vista Avalon (Microsoft VP's daughter), States Rights Gist (Confederate general during the Civil War), Yahoo Serious (Writer/Director/Actor from Young Einstein)

Top Five Sexiest Sports Names
5. Irina Slutskaya, Olympic medalist and Russian figure skater
4. Ron Tugnutt, Former all-star NHL Goalie
3. Johnny Dickshot, played outfield in Major League Baseball from 1936 to 1945
2. Dick Trickle, one of NASCARs most famous drivers
1. Chubby Cox, played seven games for the Washington Bullets in 1982 and is the Uncle-in-law of Kobe Bryant

Honorable Mention: Assol Slivets, Olympic freestyle skier

Pheromones

2007-12-01T16:26:00.001-06:00

Post created for Wasabisoft.

There is a new infomercial fad going around that people are slowly noticing. Chemical sexual stimulants are the new “it” thing to push, promote, and make a dollar off of. We have all seen the commercials with Smilin’ Bob of Enzyte, and the almost uncomfortable situations that the Cialis commercials put us in. At first, “natural male enhancement” was the thing. Now, its no longer that type of enhancement companies are pushing us towards. Now, it’s pheromone enhancement.

Most people have heard of pheromones. A pheromone is a chemical that triggers a natural behavioral response in another member of the same species. There are many types of pheromones. There are alarm pheromones, territorial pheromones, trail pheromones, even calming pheromones. Believe it or not, the studies (both controlled and not) that show that female menstrual cycles align when there are multiple women who spend extended periods of time together, come from the releasing of pheromones.

But, of course, the ones that the marketers are trying to capitalize on are sex pheromones. According to the infomercials, and apparently scientific study, an organ three inches in the nose called the vomeronasal organ detects pheromones and sends a sexual response signal to the brain. There are many products, such as Pherlure, that advertise that their product enhance these signals and increase the amount of pheromones, leading to a higher probably of intimate contact.

Being the fully confident, unabashed male I am, and in a service to Wasabisoft and its researches (patents, loans, actual experiments still pending), I decided to order Pherlure and try it out. Last night, donned in my finest pimp gear, with some sprayed on pheromones, I went to a local bar known to be frequented by students of the college variety. After walking in and sitting down at the bar, I started to notice the strangest thing.

Women were looking at me… and smiling!

I thought, “Wow, this stuff must work.” So, I sat there, played it cool, and decided I would scope the room for the perfect girl to “spit game” at. As I was looking around, I also started to notice that the guys were looking at me too and smiling. Now, my dangle don’t dangle for other dangles., so I was a little freaked out by the looks I was getting. I shook off the weird vibes and found my girl. I tried one of my favorite pick up lines; “Should I buy you a drink or just give you the money?” Depending on the girl, it can get a laugh, or get a slap. This time, it was unfortunately the latter. Oddly enough, she walked away laughing, so I just figured she got the joke late. I decided that it wasn’t the pheromones that time that failed, it was the line.

So, I found another girl. I dropped another one of my favorite lines; “You know, there are a thousand great guys out there, but only a few of us aren’t gay.” Usually a sure fire winner, but this time, I got a disgusted look and she left me. I figured, one more try and then I’m out of there.

I found one that girl and delivered one of the best lines in my back pocket: “Did YOU invite all of these people? I thought it was going to be just the two of us.” I was smooth, charming, just a perfect delivery of the line. She busted out laughing. Yes! I’m in. I thought about the follow up, should I go with more comedy? Should I just introduce myself? Just as I was about to open my mouth, she said…

“You smell like a camel’s ass.”

“What?”

“You smell like a camel’s ass. I smelled you the second you walked into a bar. You out smelled the cigars, beer and drunk in here!”

I left and went home.

So, what did my research come to? Apparently, pheromones smell like camel ass.

You’re welcome.

Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday: Jellyvision Edition

2007-11-28T12:36:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday! Each week, I will present at least one top five list on Wednesday for you to mull over, agree with, disagree with, or ignore completely! It is the Tuesday Top Five because alliteration is always fun. But I present it to you on Wednesday because Wednesday should not be shunned just because its the longest word of all of the days.

Top Five Jelly Belly Flavors No One Knows About
Note: These are actual flavors. Feel free to look them up.
5. Ear Wax
4. Booger
3. Baby Wipes
2. Pencil Shavings
1. Vomit

Honorable Mention: Bacon, Dirt, Soap, Lemon

Top Five TV Dramas Currently On TV
5. Dirty Sexy Money
4. Heroes
3. Life
2. Pushing Daisies
1. Chuck

Honorable Mention: House

Top Five TV Comedies Currently On TV
5. Scrubs
4. South Park
3. 30 Rock
2. How I Met Your Mother
1. The Office

Honorable Mention: The Big Bang Theory, The Sarah Silverman Program

So Far

2007-11-28T12:09:00.000-06:00

i was taking in the scenery when i got pushed from a moving car
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

we were going in the same direction then i hit the pavement hard
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

if you only get one true one in your life then i've been greatly harmed
if you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

though i did have a wonderful time
thought you were the end of the line
now it's fairly bizarre that you barely are a friend of mine

if i died today i'd have to say that you were my favorite part
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

until someone comes along and makes me realize that you were tacky and of limited charm
you'll be the love of my life
you'll be the love of my life so far

though i'm mad at the way that we're doomed
i'm glad that i'm finally through with the creeping abyss
and a remembrance of some sleepiness

can i hold you in my arms again if i can't hold you in the same regard
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

although this could break me i won't let it make me cynical and hard
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

because love is great when there's no restraint and it's not for the faint of heart
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

though i don't feel great but woe is the fate of your latest counterpart
you're the love of my life
you're the love of my life so far

February 2nd

2007-11-24T12:07:00.001-06:00

You ever have one of those days where you wake up and everything looks exactly as it was when you woke up the previous day. You start to move around, drive around, and everything just looks exactly the same. You feel like you are stuck in a loop. You feel like it is Groundhog Day.

Let me preface the rest of the blog by stating that, after viewing said 1993 masterpiece starring Bill Murray, I have slept fully through every February 2nd (with the exception of 2/2/2, which for obvious reasons, I re-watched the film, although I was scared to death while doing so). It is a very planned out process, trust me. You try sleeping over 24 hours straight without waking up, its tough. And if you succeed, tell me what your secret was, I'm always open to new ideas. I'm sure, being the red-blooded Alaskan that you are, you want to know my process for sleeping through February 2nd.

It all starts, oddly enough, on Christmas Eve. A healthy sleep cycle is one of the foundations of proper living. And, since I've been trying to catch that bastard thats been eating my cookies on December 24th (I mean, its every freakin' year!), I decide to start prepping my mind and body on that day. On that day, I attempt to stay up until I see sun. But, since my body has yet to be trained, I usually fall asleep around 4 AM (3 AM Central). I wake up to a preset alarm at roughly 8 PM. This way, my body is getting used to sleeping for long periods. Yes, I understand that this way I don't get to catch who stole my cookies, and yes, I understand this means I "sleep through Christmas", but we all must make sacrifices sometimes for our own sanity.

Now, my body is used to falling asleep at 4 AM (3 AM Central). Unfortunately, I have work. This means I wake up at 9 AM everyday. The early rise is not an issue, but the healthy 5 hour nap is. So, to offset this, I sleep at work. A lot.

When January 31st rolls around, I buy myself a 24 pack of the latest energy drink craze (this year it was Pimp Juice!) and get ready to stay up 55 hours straight. I usually have DVDs of whatever TV show is the latest craze (this year it was Guiding Light!). Then, at precisely 11 PM on Feb 1, I inject myself with a high dosage of Morphine and pass out. And the next time I awake, I've skipped Feb 2nd.

Sure, some years, I've woken up in March from a coma. And sure, some years I've OD'd, ended up in rehab and worked my way through "the system". And sure, this ritual causes me to have to find a new job each year. But, it's worth it.

Can you imagine the egg on my face if I didn't sleep Groundhog Day and woke up in a time loop?

Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday: Holiday Edition

2007-11-21T12:24:00.000-06:00

Also posted at Wasabisoft:

Welcome to the Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday! Each week, I will present a top five list(s) on Wednesday for you to mull over, agree with, disagree with, or ignore completely! It is the Tuesday Top Five because alliteration is always fun. But I present it to you on Wednesday because Wednesday should not be shunned just because its the longest word of all of the days.

Top Five Forgotten Holidays
5. Take Your Illegitimate Child To Work Day
4. Z-Day (The day the zombies took over the earth)
3. George Clooney Day
2. You and you wife’s Anniversary
1. Canadian Veteran’s Day

Honorable Mention: German Pride Day, National Poncho Day, My Birthday

Top Five Restaurants With a Computer Theme
5. Mouse Trap (American)
4. +hë F00d 3mp0ri0u/\/\ (Cafeteria)
3. Bill’s House of Taking Your Money And Ruling The World (Italian)
2. Error Code 24 (Tex Mex)
1. Pooters (Hooters-style, but with Robots)

Honorable Mentions: Customer Service (Indian), The Constant Upgrade (????)

Changing the world

2007-11-14T12:21:00.000-06:00

Originally posted at Wasabisoft:

There is an epidemic starting around the world. Its been contained in the past, but it is breaking free and, quite frankly, it is starting to scare the bajeebus out of me. Be forewarned, because what I am about to tell you may shock and scare you. It may make you rethink having children. If you do have children, it may make you want to push them back into the womb. Here it goes…

More and more people are calling each other by names such as “Broseph” and “Brah”.

I know, it sends chills down your spine. But I am here to try to being to right this wrong. Unless you are a high school jock, or in some form of fraternity, you should NOT be allowed to use such terms or any variations. “Bro-dawg”, “Bro-dge”, “Broster”, all of those should be banned. There should be laws passed to punish those that think they are cooler for using such words.

There is nothing more disheartening then hearing a middle aged man call out to his middle aged friend, “Hey Brosiah.”

Please, join me in this fight. Please help me end such obnoxiousness. This is only one of the first steps in de-stupefying the world. All it takes is a fist. If you hear someone say any variations of the words listed above, please punch them and proclaim “You’re not cool!”

Thank you.

-Chad

Make the world a better place, punch brosephs in the face.

P.S. My word processor tries to auto-correct brosephs into brose pHs. I don’t know why, but I take it as a sign that even the computer is smart enough to know those people are wrong.

Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday: Double Starters Edition

2007-11-14T11:17:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the Tuesday Top Five on Wednesday! Each week, I will present a fake or real top five list on Wednesday for you to mull over, agree with, disagree with, or ignore completely! It is the Tuesday Top Five because alliteration is always fun. But I present it to you on Wednesday because Wednesday should not be shunned just because its the longest word of all of the days.

For this first edition, I will give you two top fives. Go you!

Top Five Shows I'm Digging (Real)
1. Heroes
2. House
3. Pushing Daisies
4. Dirty Sexy Money
5. Life

Honorable Mention: The Office, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory

Top Five People That Need To Be Punched In The Face
1. Dane Cook
2. People who misuse the word literally
3. Anyone who enjoys Natural Ice
4. Carrot Top
5. The Scottish

Awesome

2007-11-12T14:23:00.001-06:00

[11:59] lifelessjoe: music is awesome
[11:59] lifelessjoe: making music is awesome
[11:59] lifelessjoe: you are awesome
[11:59] lifelessjoe: lets make babies
[11:59] lifelessjoe: musical babies
[11:59] lifelessjoe: awesome musical babies

Dear Blog

2007-11-12T12:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Blog,

Before I say anything, let me say I love you and I’m sorry. I started you almost six weeks ago under the guise that I would post on you (using protection of course) and update you on a semi-regularly basis. And what happened? I popped your cherry, called you once and left you forever. You may be my mistress, but I am being a horrible master. Yes, I am married to conversations with people in “real life”, but I am not ashamed to say that I love my dirty little secret. I cheat on reality every day by hanging around your corner, the internet, but I have been neglecting you blog, the prostitute that makes me feel alive.

Long ago, before you grew up to the adult you are today, known as Blogger/Blogspot, you were a young little thang called LiveJournal. As you were that cute little toddler, I nurtured you, burped you, breast fed you, gave you everything you needed. You looked at me with your bright blue eyes as if you were seeing things in the world for the first time. I posted my thoughts, shared my stories, shared my music, shared my life with you. We had good times. You didn’t know your head from a hole in the ground and I guided you to what you needed to be.

Then, you became a teenager. You grew to be a rebellious little Myspace. I tried to deal with you. You were always talking back, acting like you were bigger and better than me. You acted like you were the big shit on campus and nobody could bring you down. I tried to tame you. I used some of my methods when you my cute little LJ, but it didn’t work. You were too out of control. I admit, this is where I faltered. As your dad, as your mentor, as the person you look up to, I should’ve lead by example. But, alas, I failed. You did your own thing. You ran away from home a couple of times. I had to stop you and make you realize what you were doing would not fly in the fake real world. And, you may’ve made many friends, you may’ve been many places, it was all superficial. So, I shut you down. I pulled you away. I took everything you needed from you, to teach you, there are bigger and better things out there. You needed to be humbled.

I though I had destroyed you. I thought our relationship would never go back to normal. I thought we would never be the same. But you took what happened to you, overcame all of your sadness and persevered in a mature being, standing on your own two feet, like a college kid just making it through their freshman year. You became the independent woman (cue Kelly Clarkson) known as Facebook. At first, you were pissed off at the world. You ranted and raved about any and everything, throwing metaphors out left and right. But then, you settled down and realized anger wasn’t the way of the world. You started to get cynical…. and hilarious!! I thought you were perfect. And I thought you didn’t need any more help from me. But slowly, you started sticking your hand in many different pots, pots filled with mousetraps, mousetraps made of acid, and you were getting confused. Do you rant and rave? Do you post useless info? Or do you chat it up with a friend? Or punch, kick, or do other actions to people? It became too confusing. You realized that life after college is filled with responsibility.

Now, you’ve become that responsible adult. And I plan on posting on you (using protection of course) on that semi-regular basis I previously promised. Yes, I have other mistresses now, such as Wasabisoft, but you are my main girl. I will give you those things you wanted. You will get your diamond rings, your new cars, your nights out on the town. You will never be anything I am ashamed of. You are my main mistress, my whore, my girl. I love you.

Your latin lover,
Chad

P.S. Yes, I understand I just began this fake letter to a blog with the metaphor of it being my mistress (I.e. inferring that posting on it is the love making) and then followed it up with metaphors as if it was my daughter, growing from birth to an adult. And yes, I realize that means I am metaphorically saying I am sleeping with my daughter. But, assholes, in this case I am talking to a FUCKING BLOG! Deal with it.

We’re not blood related anyways.

Ultimate Wisdom(c) 17: A Brief Timeline of Lobsters in America

2007-10-03T19:34:00.000-05:00

Fluff:

This blog won’t be all comedy, but it’s Wisdom Wednesday!

Also, if you were unfortunate enough to miss the premiere of TVs next best show, Pushing Daisies, you can watch it here: (ok, original link was deleted, new one to be added later)

---------------------------------------

On a recent September afternoon, I was pleased to watch a fascinating documentary on the History Channel about the Eastern States Exposition in Springfield, Massachusetts. “The Big E,” as you perhaps know, is the great culmination of the county fair season in New England. Like many such fairs, it features the display of prize fowl and livestock, local handicrafts, ingeniously fried foods, and a full, mechanized carnival featuring various rides that have been hastily assembled by angry and careless men.

I saw a cow being milked by a robot. I watched recently hatched chicks in a great incubator as they lay, helpless and drenched in albumen, breathing heavily and attempting to stand. These chicks seemed to be trying to say something to the audience, but I could not hear them over the terrified sobbing of the children nearby. Then, the story turned to the lobster judging.

It is rare that you see a real lobster competition these days. As I watched the proud young farm children in their traditional dress whites and goggles leading their well-tended lobsters about on their leashes, I wondered if these youngsters knew that, not 120 years ago, this competition would have looked very different indeed. For their enlightenment and your own, I offer this brief time line of the lobster in America.

==1890: New York socialite Frederick Geen releases 100 European lobsters in Central Park. The “great scrambling,” as he called it, was part of his poetic effort to introduce America to every kind of animal ever mentioned in Shakespeare. (“[‘The King’] forbade my tongue to speak of Mortimer. But I will find him when he lies asleep, and in his ear I’ll holler ‘Mortimer!’ Nay, I’ll have a lobster shall be taught to speak nothing but ‘Mortimer,’ and give it him to keep his anger still in motion.” Henry IV) The result, however: chaos.

==1892: Lobsters are seen everywhere throughout New York City. They especially thrive in garbage cans, occasionally grabbing dogs and small people and pulling them in to their doom.

==1895: When a lobster kidnaps three of the four Geen Quadruplets, Frederick Geen collapses in horrid grief and never rises. His brother, the influential Horace Geen, pressures the mayor to bring in a new police commissioner to put an end to the lobster problem once and for all. Theodore Roosevelt is called in.

==1896: Discovering that the lobster cannot easily be killed except by boiling, Roosevelt instead diverts the creatures to Maine via a secret canal.

==1900-1910: Along the Maine coast, the lobster again thrives, not just on land, but for the first time in the sea. The animal previously called the “lobster” there, a kind of sea otter, faces severe competition from the new crustacean neighbors.

==1920s: Wealthy Maine summer families regularly gather to watch the two species fight on the beach, sending servants out to egg them on with hot pokers. Pelts harvested from the “Old Lobsters” are used as very small carpets.

==1930: A law is passed that no servant shall receive more than forty new lobsters per day as food or pets.

==1932: Proving once again its old nickname, “The City That Will Not Learn from Its Errors,” New York City actually imports several lobsters for display in the Central Park Zoo. The lobsters, however, rarely leave their cave, and when they do, they pace relentlessly back and forth. Zoological analysts determine that the lobsters are depressed. The lobsters are given toys to play with, small staircases to leap up, and mice to chase. Several games are developed to relieve them of their melancholy, one of which eventually becomes the board game “Monopoly.” The lobsters are excellent players, and usually choose the top hat.

==1940s: Lobster-claw deformities emerge as a popular form of folk art. Some Kabbalists claim that the deformed claws form the shape of secret Hebrew letters—a cryptic message from the unclean to the chosen.

==1950s: Refrigerated zeppelins make the transcontinental shipping of live lobsters a reality. Eager to be rid of them, the state of Maine pays for their tickets (coach) and creates a now-famous ad campaign to introduce the nation to the idea of eating them: “Maine Lobster: The Giant Insect That Contains Within Its Carapace the Taste of Purest Silk!”

==1968: Red Lobster opens its first restaurant in Lakeland, Florida. At the time, their famous 45 Lobster Special costs only $2.95. As a publicity stunt, Frederick Geen, now 103, rises shakily from his bed for the first time in seventy-three years to personally kill the first 20,000 lobsters. He turns down the speed-boiler that Red Lobster has devised, preferring instead to strangle them one by one, weeping the entire time. The stunt is a huge success—especially among children. To this day, Red Lobster still offers diners the chance to choose their own lobster and have an old man kill it before their eyes.

==1980: The last Old Lobster finally perishes in the kitchen of the lesser-known rival chain restaurant, Furry Old Lobster. The restaurant chain swiftly closes. It will be another decade before it is discovered that the Furry Old Lobster chain was owned by an entity called “Excellent Restaurant Concepts, Inc.,” which itself is but one arm of HomarUSA. By now it will not surprise you to learn that HomarUSA is the largest lobster-owned company in the nation.

It is a sad story, true, but no sadder than much of history. And perhaps it will cheer you to know that the Blue Ribbon at the Big E went to young Amanda Dearborn and her handsome young crustacean, Brock.

Cherry

2007-10-03T16:01:00.000-05:00

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